UGH

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like someone has just stabbed you with a twisted sword? Today is that day. I had a hard night last night... one of those nights where you just lay on the couch and stare off. I needed my daddy. I talked to him for a while, but quite frankly i can't stand hearing the distance. I went on my "walk about" thinking i was so ready to take off, but honestly, i can barely manage the pain of separation from my family. I somehow get reminded of them in every action of everday, whether it is the song on the radio the tv show, the smells. Everything is somehow a reminder of what i gave up to come out here. It's a pretty heavy weight in the wee hours of the night. I miss the dumbest things too... like all of a sudden i have to get up and get my own water... i can't just go steal mom's. I can't go yell at my dad for being up at 4 am on ebay... roommates don't receive that very well.
Ya know its not even just missing home, it's a mirage of things. I just found out that Crystal is moving to Salt Lake, while only 2 hrs away, that means no more random movie nights and i cant just show up in the middle of the night for a good cry. I am losing my girl! I also have to go through all of these frustrations with being ill... doctor after doctor... tests that are dead ends and bill after bill. No answers. Then i get to leave the doctors and come into a job everyday that i can barely stand. It kind of my only option though... giving up on the benefits would be stupid! And its one of the best paying jobs in logan area... plus there are NO jobs here. What to do?
I am running out of hope. I am definately needing a refill on my dust. I even died my hair back to one color. And no leggings have been involved inthe wardrobe latly i just don't feel like myself. That flight home won't come soon enough.