Things to look forward too

I have so much to look forward to right now... but i keep looking down. I get to see my family in two days, i get to start school up again in the summer and go on one of the most relaxing vacations ever up to the bay in lake michigan, and in december i am going to get to go home to CHILE. I have my new puppy. All should be smiles but i am so hung up right now. I just hold onto things. need to let go and fly!

Awareness

I have all of a sudden become very aware of myself. I hate that feeling quite frankly the statements are true... ignorance is bliss. I was fine thinking that everyone else in my life was the sole source of my problems. Now I am being able to cycle through my life and see all of my contributions to my own heartache. To all of you who i have blaimed... know that i am sorry. The introspection is killing me but... more likely that not, it was not just you.

UGH

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like someone has just stabbed you with a twisted sword? Today is that day. I had a hard night last night... one of those nights where you just lay on the couch and stare off. I needed my daddy. I talked to him for a while, but quite frankly i can't stand hearing the distance. I went on my "walk about" thinking i was so ready to take off, but honestly, i can barely manage the pain of separation from my family. I somehow get reminded of them in every action of everday, whether it is the song on the radio the tv show, the smells. Everything is somehow a reminder of what i gave up to come out here. It's a pretty heavy weight in the wee hours of the night. I miss the dumbest things too... like all of a sudden i have to get up and get my own water... i can't just go steal mom's. I can't go yell at my dad for being up at 4 am on ebay... roommates don't receive that very well.
Ya know its not even just missing home, it's a mirage of things. I just found out that Crystal is moving to Salt Lake, while only 2 hrs away, that means no more random movie nights and i cant just show up in the middle of the night for a good cry. I am losing my girl! I also have to go through all of these frustrations with being ill... doctor after doctor... tests that are dead ends and bill after bill. No answers. Then i get to leave the doctors and come into a job everyday that i can barely stand. It kind of my only option though... giving up on the benefits would be stupid! And its one of the best paying jobs in logan area... plus there are NO jobs here. What to do?
I am running out of hope. I am definately needing a refill on my dust. I even died my hair back to one color. And no leggings have been involved inthe wardrobe latly i just don't feel like myself. That flight home won't come soon enough.

Mommy's birthday

So i flew home to missouri a few weeks back! It was so good for me to be home. My siblings and i pulled some strings and were able to get us all flown home for mommy's big 50! She had just some of her drugs and was highly medicated when we arrived... she was unsure if we were even real! It was priceless... as soon as i said mommy she started crying. She could not believe her chickens had come home, after all it was all she had wanted! So we spent a very relaxed but awesome week together. We mostly chilled, went to the vineyard and had bday cake for breakfast! It was just a jolly old time. The kids all piling in the bed to watch tv again was a memory i will cherish. I even got to slepp in my parents bed for old time sake! It was amazing. I love the time we have together, now that all the chickens have flown the coop its less and less often. I look forward to going home in april for poppy's bday! While i was there i even got to visit columbia and see my jere, jess, justin, and elliott! It was so nice to be home, but it was also nice to get back to a life of semi independence!

MY KIDS

So I totally forgot to mention... i now have two new additions to my family... two mice! One named soufle and the other crema or cheeky! Soufle is tan and crazy adventureous. He loves to run around the house and play hide and seek under the furniture. Crema, well he is a bit anti social but he is working on it.... he does eat a lot!!! And he is getting the hang of this whole mouse ball thing! I think these new additions ave been very thereputical... they sure love me and Bryce. Jacob doesn't care much for them but.. such is life. They don't like him either ya know! Hehe!

Long time no write...

So honestly life has gone crazy. I have been so busy lately. I am balancing out moving from one house to another, finances, medical problems, dramatic changes at work, friends in dire need of my love and attention, Jeremy coming to visit, fling to and from home, etc.... It just seems to go on and on forever. When does life calm down? If anyone has the answers... let me know. On the good side. Its conference weekend and it's fairly chill out here in UT. I painted my nails lime green with silver stripes while driving to SLC. I got to go to a grizzlies hockey game with bry and his family, and got a pretty good nap on the way back to Logan.